February 2006: RELATIONSHIPS
BALANCING THE MALE-FEMALE ASPECTS OF OURSELVES
Which of us hasn't dreamt of finally finding and keeping our perfect relationship? What if we are in a partnership that is confusing and always changing? How do we cope with the loss and heartache relationships can sometimes bring? What if we don't seem to be attracting any kind of intimate interactions at all?
The working dynamics of good relationships are for many of us one of the greatest mysteries of life. It is a secret each of us seeks to unravel from the day we are aware there is more than one of us around. Why do interpersonal interactions -- something we are all engaged in every day, every minute, every second of our lives -- sometimes seem so challenging, complicated, confusing, difficult, and mysterious?
The quality of our partnerships with others actually reflects the quality of the relationships we have with ourselves. Do we know who we are, and do we like who that is? Do we believe we are worthy and deserve unconditional love? While we may know how we would like someone to love us, do we love ourselves that way already? Do we trust and accept all parts of ourselves? The bottom line for most all of us is we simply would like to be loved and accepted for who we are, for our real selves.
MALE AND FEMALE TEMPLATES
As we change our inner definition or template of our male and female selves to a place of balance and self-acceptance, we are able to attract someone who is more reflective of our true counterpart. Even if we are balanced with our inner masculine reflection, if we do not like our own femininity, we would be unable to create a truly balanced relationship for ourselves.
One aspect many people do not give much thought to is that we look to our partners to reflect aspects of ourselves back to us. For example, if we are a woman, our partner is holding a place for us so we can better understand the feminine part of ourselves. If we are a male, our partner is holding a place for us to understand the masculine part of ourselves. Although this may be the opposite way most people view their relationships, how, if we were a woman, would we be better able to understand what type of woman we were unless someone could reflect it back to us as we interact with them?
THE TASK OF ANY RELATIONSHIP
The task of any relationship is always to find ourselves, to understand ourselves, to be the complete and natural selves we already are. The only true relationship we ever really have is the one we have with ourselves. Everything else, every other interaction, whether we might realize it or not, is simply a reflection. As long as we resist being our natural, balanced selves, the real us, we continue to always attract relationships that will serve to remind us of what and who we are not. Resisting who we are will, therefore, usually attracts relationships that are unfulfilling, or ones where we have to work very hard. By being fully and completely who we are, we then attract relationships that reflect back to us the fullness of our creative being. It is the age old adage: What we put out is what we get back.
FUNCTIONING HALF COMPLETE
Many of us function as if we are only half complete. If we project the vibration of half of an individual, looking around for someone else to complete us, we attract an incomplete relationship. The resulting interaction with anyone attracted in this manner will usually come up short of what we ideally desire. Entering into any interaction from the viewpoint we need the relationship to feel complete, results in the relationship continuing to reflect and remind us of our belief in our incompleteness. What we will have is a partnership made up of two half people, truly satisfying to neither person. When we know we are a relationship unto ourselves, complete and sufficient within ourselves, we set up a vibration that attracts someone with those same qualities and assurance. Too many times people make out long, wonderful lists of all the attributes they wish their perfect partner to have. The question to ask is, are we all those things? Do we have all those attributes? Unless we are able to reflect the type of vibrational being we choose to attract, how will we ever be seen and recognized by someone who does?
WHAT DO WE ATTRACT IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS?
We always attract our definition of what we think we are capable of attracting, no matter what may be on our wish list. The first question we should ask ourselves (the most basic question for any relationship) is: What do we get out of it? What do we get out of having a relationship with so and so? Secondly, what did we learn about ourselves by being in that relationship? We primarily attract situations to ourselves that create interactions, allowing us to continue to accelerate, serve, and learn who we are. We can do this with ease, grace, love, and joy, or through the school of hard knocks. The choice is always ours.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE HOLD BACK
It is absolutely impossible to experience a reality if we are not the same vibration. When we are cautious, when we hold back, when we do not show who we really are, when we think we are not sufficient, not wise enough, or not powerful enough to create the reality we truly desire, we then attract a representation of our own doubt in ourselves. Remember, the vibration we are, the vibration we are broadcasting, is the reality we receive. There are no exceptions to this rule.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE OPPORTUNITIES TO SHARE
The reason for relating to someone else is for the opportunity to share who we are. Approaching a relationship as an opportunity to share attracts individuals who reflect our belief in our own completeness. When our relationships are set up this way, we are able to interact with the other person as two complete individuals coming together to share experiences. We will both know and experience the idea of personal fulfillment.
THE RESULTS OF EXPECTATIONS AND JUDGMENTS
When we put expectations or value judgments on the outcome of our relationships, we never actually get to experience the real reason we created the particular interaction in the first place. For this reason, it is important to accept relationships for what they are. If we invalidate what we have drawn into our lives, we are really invalidating ourselves.
It is important to understand why we have drawn certain individuals into our lives. We usually have attracted others to allow ourselves the opportunity to grow and to give us more information about who we are. The idea is not to become like each other. The idea is to allow each individual to be the strongest, healthiest, most balanced individual they can possibly be. Sometimes we might forget this because we think unity is the product of conformity. Unity is the product of granting and allowing equality to uniqueness and diversity. In a balanced relationship, we do not lose our individuality -- just the opposite occurs. We each become stronger reflections for each other of all that is possible for each of us. The purpose of any relationship is to allow us to be more of who we choose to be. It is like looking into a mirror and seeing another aspect of ourselves. This does not mean our relationships will be an exact 1-1 reflection of who we each are. Rather, our relationships become a reflection of what the two of us have agreed to learn and teach each other.
The best possible relationship is a balanced sharing, without dependency. Each party in a relationship has strong, natural attributes that can assist the other in their growth. If our support is aimed at creating a space for our partner or friend to grow in their own self-support, the relationship will be a happy and flourishing one. Think of it this way. Instead of constantly doling out small pieces of bread, wouldn't it be of true, lasting benefit to teach someone how to bake their own bread? If we are in a relationship where we are giving, giving, giving, it sends out the message to our partners that we do not believe they have the ability to match or mock up their own vibrations of completeness and sufficiency. Offer support to others as long as it does not represent the idea we are taking on responsibility for them. We cannot really be responsibility for other adults. Our attempts to do this usually leads us very quickly to examine our own issues about boundaries, because taking on another person's responsibilities brings us outside of where we prefer to be. The idea of responsibility is not to lay the blame on anyone, rather it allows us the freedom to choose what we prefer.
In a balanced relationship, each of us can still do what we prefer to do. We don't have to change our lives just because someone else disapproves. There is no reason to attempt to be anything that we are not. Doing that only brings us more of what we are not. We will only become more uncomfortable, unhappy, unhealthy, and unsuccessful, if we keep trying to be something we are not. It is vital to express who we are, be who we are, and say what we think. We should only change our lives because we choose to, and because we are becoming more completely the real us. If we know we are functioning in true personal integrity, even if others around us don't like it or want us to change, we continue to be who we are.
If we are doing what we enjoy and love in life, it very quickly provides us confirmation of who we really are. The idea is always to relax, have fun and be ourselves. Remember, anyone we attract into our lives by being ourselves belongs in our lives. Being of service to ourselves and others is only possible when we are complete within our own selves. If we are not fully ourselves, then the other person is not really in a relationship with the real us anyway!
Negative situations are not in our lives to show us we are stuck with them or that we are bad people. Such situations happen to offer us a mirror like reflection of what we think about ourselves, or what we feel we deserve. If we find ourselves in situations we do not really prefer, we have given ourselves a very clear opportunity to change. One way to allow ourselves a chance to find out and discover who and what we are is by seeing so many examples, and creating interactions with a number of different individuals that represent who we are not. This is a very effective method of validating our true and natural selves by the simple process of elimination: Oh, I am not like that, I am not like this, I am certainly nothing like that, and so forth. Looking back on different relationships, we might say, "That wasn't me, and that wasn't me either. This is what I really am all about."
Why would any of us create a whole series of wrong relationships? The reason itself is basically very simple. Either we have forgotten who we are, or we are afraid to accept who we are. Who we are is actually our naturally centered selves in a state of balance and complete self-acceptance. As long as we resist being our natural, balanced selves, the real us, we will not attract harmonious, long lasting, or healthy relationships.
Once we become true to ourselves, we automatically attract the right person to ourselves, even as we move through changes. If someone decides to change or leave a relationship with us, realize their energy is no longer in harmony with ours. Therefore, by understanding this even if someone leaves us nothing will really be missing. We cannot miss anything from a vibration that we are not truly a part of.
HOW DO WE SHOW WE REALLY LOVE SOMEONE?
We can really show we love somebody by accepting them for who they are and by allowing them to be just where they already are. It is very important not to put any expectation on how it must be, or regret how it was or was not. When we live in the moment and trust ourselves enough to be in each and every moment, we always attract whomever is appropriate for ourselves. The best advice ever given for relationships is to trust, let go, and be ourselves. Trust is the glue for any relationship -- the trust we feel for ourselves, as well as the trust we have with others.
Sometimes, even when we are expressing who and what we truly are, we may attract someone we feel has a lot to learn. Because we make all kinds of agreements to be of service, we also sometimes make agreements to hold a space for others to help them find strengths and abilities within themselves as well. We may attract others into our lives so that we can be examples of what they could also be, if they choose to be aware of it. Remember, it is always their choice. We hold a space for them by our examples. Understand that we cannot possibly be in any relationship unless the agreement is a co-creation and of a similar vibration. It is important to remember and understand whomever we attract is exactly who is supposed to be there, with us, in that moment.
WHAT INGREDIENT WILL INSURE OUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE ENHANCING?
All relationships, when created through a sense of integrity, are fundamentally enhancing. Relationships are meant to expand and evolve. If our relationships restrict us and cause us to inhibit and repress our true selves, we need to ask ourselves very quickly what are we still doing in the those relationships? What lessons are we learning from staying in these situations? If relationships are created from a point of dishonesty -- and it could even be we are dishonest with ourselves, or with the other people about our truth -- then these types of relationships will act as exclusive, disharmonic interactions. If we are able to let go of fear in our relationships, we become compassionately supportive and allowing of the other person so they, in turn, can be true to themselves. It is up to us to set the example first. The negative side of support is manipulation and interdependency and this makes everyone feel icky.
Some of us may have a fear that being a strong individual will cause problems or separation and may eventually push us away from one another. However, this is not true in a healthy relationship. The point is not to lean on anyone, the idea is to support them. In supporting them, we become supported. More importantly, we all need to practice unconditional love, acceptance, and support for ourselves. This is what allows us to trust and know, no matter what changes are made. Know, by divine law, we are never cut off from anything that is truly intended for us.
When we come from a place of integrity and changes occur then the changes belong in our lives. Fear of change is usually the fear of losing something. If we understand everything is happening as it needs to, then we never need to fear losing anything. It is usually only the fear of the change that prevents us from changing along with our partners. By letting go of our fears, we will know that no matter how much we might change, we will attract whatever and whoever is representative, harmonious, and unified with our changes.
If we allow change into our lives as we naturally grow and evolve -- instead of resisting it or pretending it isn't happening -- the vast amounts of energy we used to put into resisting change become available for our own creative purposes. It has been said the only constant thing in this world is change. As we honor the changes that occur in our lives, we will find we no longer experience others who have made the choice to live and act differently. We will interact and co-create with those who exist on the same level as we do, with similar natures and vibrations. The best way to share our wisdom and ideas is to simply be an example ourselves.
The energy and vibration of who we are radiates from us, and is picked up psychically by all those who are of the same vibration. If someone in our lives changes and makes the choice to leave us, we should not look upon the relationships or ourselves as a failures. The parting of ways in a relationship is the signal that the lessons both of us have chosen to learn are completed.
"CHANGING" OUR PARTNERS
If we feel we have to mold, change, or manipulate our partners, the relationship bears examination. When we force someone to do something, it is a statement that we believe we will never really get what we are after, or that the person we are with will not be able to give it to us. When we force changes in our relationships, even if certain changes occur for awhile, our relationships are no longer in balance or integrity. Sooner or later the individuals who are being forced to go against their true selves will be forced to leave as the relationship is no longer a reflection of the real them.
Force is a non-integrated, distorted way of taking action. Remember, everyone naturally moves at the perfect rate and speed for themselves already. There is never any positive reason to accelerate someone (by force) to look and accept things they are not ready for. Even if they would be able to hear or see some part of the lesson we are attempting to force down their throats, until they are ready, in their own time and place, they will never grasp a true understanding of the lesson we are forcing them to learn. And because of our intervention, their original lesson became distorted and is much more difficult and confusing for them to learn. Usually, once interfered with, they will have to recreate their lesson all over again in an effort to counterbalance our interference.
This has happened to all of us. How many times, when we sought to help someone who didn't asked for our help and upon whom we have forced our help, did their situation get worse? At first it may seem we have set things right for them for a while. After a few weeks or months, it will become evident to us that the person is now in even a worse position than before. What has happened is that their Higher Selves are so determined for them to fully understand and learn their original lessons that they have recreated the necessary energetics, except this time the lesson is ten times or one hundred times more intense than before. Each of us will keep turning up the intensity of our creations, until our original lessons have truly been understood and completed on all four levels of our being.
Someone is ready to truly gain from our assistance and wisdom when they ask, of their own free will, for our guidance and insight. In such an instance, truth and wisdom is then shared, understood, and integrated in just the right way. The other person, by the fact of their asking, is in just the right place and state where they can truly hear, know and understand what we have to offer.
If we feel we need to keep ourselves safe or protect ourselves, we will end up limiting the type of relationships we can create. I have been told many times by my clients that they are not currently in a relationship because it does not feel safe for them. Two things might be the cause of this. If we feel we need safety, we may somehow feel we are in a relationship that will not allow us to be our real selves. On the other hand, if we are in a relationship that is not satisfying, but we stay in it because we feel safe, maybe we are not safe with the idea of taking full responsibility for who and what we are, and who and what we could be. As soon as we stop resisting our natural selves, our reality will automatically change to allow loving and supportive relationships to come into our lives.
In some cases, some clients report they need safety to avoid being in a position where they could be abandoned or vulnerable. Some of us would rather be alone than express our true inner needs. If we are in a relationship where we do not feel safe or comfortable expressing our deepest inner needs, we are alone anyway. We are simply alone together.
In creating relationships that work with love and joy, it is important to express our vulnerability. Vulnerability has earned somewhat of a bad reputation in our society. Vulnerability really means we are open to all that we are. Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. Vulnerability is not exposure, it is full and total trust. Vulnerability does not mean being open to everyone and everything so they can take pot shots at us. Vulnerability means being open and available to our true, preferred selves, for when we open up to ourselves, we are open and available to the infinite Source of all creation. Connecting to our infinite creation will bring us peace, strength, and power, and it makes our lives real, joyous, magical, and happy.
Strangely enough, many times we might only feel we are in control, when we are expending or exerting an effort. Vulnerability allows us to be in control effortlessly. Why would we need to expend effort to be in control of something that we already are?
Trust really boils down to our own ability to trust ourselves. Complete trust occurs when we have an absolute knowingness we deserve to exist. Do we have to do something special in order to deserve to exist? No. We simply have to be. Creation has already decreed we deserve to exist. Can we give ourselves the same acknowledgment, respect, and love? We have a Divine right to exist in the manner we choose, simply because we prefer it! There is no other reason needed.
CONNECTION TO INFINITE CREATION
When we realize we are connected to everything, we also realize it is not possible for us to be abandoned. It has been said, the word "alone" can be read: alone -- or all one. The choice is ours. We are always connected to the infinity of creativity, and we can choose to be open to the flow of it in all the moments of our lives. All things have the ability to come to us through that flow. By paying attention and staying aware of divine flow, being in the moment and acting upon it with integrity, all circumstances in our lives align into place, representative of whatever is our strongest intention and focus. Everything that needs to work itself out will. If we can conceive of another way we would like to be, then our desire alone is a sufficient sign of our ability to create it for ourselves.
Infinite creation will not deny us our preference of the way we choose to be, once we are clear and balanced with what specifically that is, and we begin to express it in true integrity with who we really are. Creation has given us the free will as to how we choose to live our lives. Our free will and the ability to choose what we prefer is our go-ahead wave from creation to do just that.
Most of the problems that occur in relationships are caused by what is not being said, rather than what is said. Non communication, or withheld communication, is simply another way many of us hold back the real us from our partner. The problem with unspoken communication is more complex than might first be perceived. Saying "everything is all right," when we are thinking "drop dead," won't fool the other person for very long. Our real heart's truth and our honest feelings will always be psychically picked up by the other person on some level. Count on it! This is an ability we all have. It is the same sense that tells us when there has been a big fight or disagreement as we step into a strangely quiet and tense room. It is the same sense that we use psychically to energetically scan large groups of strangers at a party, as we decide who would be interesting to spend an evening getting to know.
Direct unspoken communication is often used by intent by an acquaintance of mine who is well versed in martial arts. He uses it to defeat very powerful and well known karate masters. Gifted in his own right, this particular gentleman is very aware of the power of unspoken communication and uses it to his advantage. As he takes his preliminary bows before his match begins, he smiles on the outside while mentally projecting extreme violence towards his opponent. His opponent energetically and mentally picks up these projected waves of discordant energy. These waves temporarily short out his opponents' power centers, making it almost impossible for them to defend themselves as the bout begins.
Every relationship, in order to grow and flourish, requires open and honest communication coming from a point of inner truth and balance. Honest communication enables the other person to truly relate and to have a relationship with who we actually are. Open, clear, conscious communication enables the other person to observe and act with trust, for they know where they stand. By being clear and direct, they won't be receiving one message from us verbally and another mismatched or opposing one psychically. It is time to share what is in our hearts with truth, trust, honest, and clarity.
True creative relationships are expressed and experienced from a state of relaxed trust and creative joy. Relationships are simply learning how to play with each other, how to love and accept ourselves unconditionally, and how to trust who and what we are. When we share ourselves in a relationship, we will feel our own sense of completeness, and we will realize we are never alone.
In creative relationships, it is very important to remember how to play and balance our energy, both as an adult and as a child. To have a successful relationship, we must awaken the divine young child inside ourselves first. A young child is full of curiosity and knows the universe is beautiful and full of surprises. A young child is naturally loving and trusts in a positive way. A young child is naturally truthful and in integrity. A young child is more occupied with being natural, not normal. A young child lets their imagination soar, unlimited in the creation of a magical and miraculous world. Always, always seek out a good playmate for your primary relationships, and especially someone who knows how to play fair. Allow yourselves to remember the world is magical, and allow that magic and enchantment back into your life. Be who you are, and do the things you love to do as often as you can! That is really the only way to really live our lives.
You may also want to read chapters from Nancy's new book Dialogue for Relationship-Journey to Self, on The Mirror of Relationships-Alchemy of Emotion, and the latest excerpt on Change of Self to affect Change in Relatioship, which is now our April, 2006 newsletter
Offered by the Institute <<::
Clear Light Arts, ADL