Chapter 18: Armageddon

In the summer of 1997, a week before I was to leave on a workshop tour, I called an office meeting and explained how I was going to open my heart and not hold anything back. I needed to do this for myself and to complete this book.

The next day my partner Star told me she had decided to follow her own passions of writing with her ex-husband, riding her horses, and stop working in my office. I have been teaching for years how important it is to follow one’s passion in this lifetime. Star and I and our office staff had struggled with this for years. I knew Star wanted to pursue her own interests, and the time had come. I didn’t think she would choose work so different from my own. We decided to move back to California where we both had family. We put the house up for sale and made plans to relocate my office. I encouraged Star to pursue her dreams.

As I left on my next round of workshops, I wondered what Spirit had in store. I had to completely let go of the outcome of the changes we had planned. Lately I’d been very disappointed that my workshops hadn’t been fully attended, and I felt perhaps this was a sign that I was finished with my work here on this planet. All in all, I felt upset and displaced.

In my workshops, I share secrets of ancient mystery schools that I feel are vital for our consciousness and transformation. Why were my workshops not full? I explored this issue within myself and felt it was time to let go and explore other worlds. I felt I was going to die. I felt quiet and sad. I was especially sad about leaving my children. I love them so much and was afraid I had not told them often enough.
Over the years I’ve been on hundreds of missions for Spirit. I was tired of money pressures. I just wanted to give my work away for free, but like most of us I had to make a living and support my family. Sometimes when life becomes too complicated, we create an energetic reality different from others, because we no longer want to be a part of the dynamics around us. Unfortunately as I soon discovered, none of the energetic principles that normally work apply, in this separated space. I was apart from everything and everyone. I told an associate how I felt. She was sad, and tried to talk me out of leaving this Earth. I love life, but I had made up my mind that my work was completed here.

The sponsor for the first workshop on the tour kept asking more and more from me. Before I’d left on this trip, she’d asked for my help with her low energy. I worked with her extensively over the phone. A few days later, she called and complained that she didn’t feel connected to me. She could not feel me and blamed me for that feeling. I told her that I’d given her one hundred percent. She still wasn’t satisfied. After attending my workshop, she again asked for help. Even though she had not done what she had agreed to do as one of my sponsors, I gave her another free healing session and books. When she later called and left a message about five dollars she felt l owed to her, I was very upset. I told her I did not want to speak to her again and that she was totally out of integrity.

I realized I’d allowed her to pressure me into giving more and more, and it wasn’t an equal exchange. I needed to honor my own boundaries. There was nothing I could do to satisfy her. She later called back and left another message, stating she felt I was not a spiritual man. She wanted me to reflect back to her, her own ideas on spirituality. She was angry when I didn’t cooperate.

I was emotionally fragile as I traveled to my next event: the Universal Light Workers Conference. When I had felt energetics like this in the past, it had meant there was a part of me I needed to release, yet this was different. I asked my guides to help me and give me a sign that I was still needed on Earth. They said they could not help. I was no longer in this time; as I had created a new time. I had not invited anyone else. I was trapped in my own world alone. It was safe, but I could no longer create in a real, three-dimensional world. I was sure this meant the time for my leaving was close.

At the conference I told the other speakers what was happening to me. They were very supportive. We all connected in a new way. They were so loving I cried. Even though I was afraid to be so exposed, I knew this nakedness was the key to the hidden side of my soul. The next day there was a panel of keynote speakers. Sitting in the audience, I asked about their relationships, and how and if they were changing. One of the speakers shared how painful it was to let go of his wife. He told a story about the time they were breaking up.. They decided they would lie naked together, talk about their feelings, and cry openly. I was amazed at his honesty and how easily he exposed himself to the strangers in the audience. The other speakers, also talked about the difficulties they were having. I could see and understand the fragility of their relationships. I felt true friendship with this group. At that time, I realized the compassion of this group had healed the judgment I had experienced from the conference in Georgia.

Soon after my return home, my partner Star and I were talking about a story that had come in on the fax. We were planning to go to a movie, and she went to take a shower while I watched television and relaxed. Suddenly I heard her cry out. I went to the bathroom door and called to her, but she didn’t answer. The door was locked, and I panicked. I banged on the door and called to her again. The door opened. Star was gray, frozen in pain, and told me to take her to the hospital. I helped her to the car and as I careened out of the driveway, Star gasped that she was dying, that her insides felt like they were exploding.

The hospital was fifteen miles away in another small Texas town. I dialed 911 and was told that all the ambulances were busy. I buried the speedometer needle as I raced down the road, passing cars on the right shoulder and blasting my horn through intersections. Just as the car started to overheat and the air conditioner died on that hot Texas summer day, we pulled into the Smithville Hospital emergency entrance. The police had called ahead to notify the hospital staff. Star was in incredible pain and could barely talk. I knew her life was in danger. Soon a doctor told me she was in shock and it didn’t look like she was going to make it.

I sat next to her and held her hand. She knew how serious it was and said, “It’s okay. It’s okay for me to go. You’ll be better off without me.” I told her I was going to open my heart totally, which I?had been consciously practicing those last weeks, so she could feel the love within my heart. I put my hand on her stomach and prayed. Then I felt a shift. A warmth came over us and we felt the presence of God. After a few minutes, a nurse asked me to leave so they could continue working with Star. I found a desk outside and sat down, my head in my hands, my tears dropping onto the desk top. In a few minutes someone asked me to move as they needed to use the desk. They set their paperwork down on my tears. There was no place for me. A doctor came out and told me Star had started to stabilize. They were going to fly her by Star flight helicopter to Austin, Texas for emergency surgery. When Star was wheeled to the helicopter, I squeezed her hand, and told her I would see her soon. I walked back to my car and slumped into the front seat. I watched the helicopter turn into a tiny speck, carrying Star toward the sky, as if she were going back to God.

When I arrived at the hospital in Austin, a doctor showed me her x-rays. There was something, an obstruction or tumor, the size of a grapefruit inside of her abdomen. They didn’t know what it was and needed to operate. I asked for a second opinion. It was the same.

I stayed with Star, my healing hands upon her stomach, my energy connected to her energy, until they took her into surgery. I continued to pray. I visualized the mass inside of her disappearing. Thirty minutes later two surgeons came out. They seemed confused. They told me Star was okay and she would make a full recovery They had opened her abdomen, checked all her organs and found nothing. Everything was perfect. They had no explanation for her crisis or the image on the x-ray.

This was a miracle. This was the sign I had been looking for from my Spirit. I never expected it to appear like this. Star’s crisis had pulled me out of my own little world. I was in fact still needed on earth.
Star was in the hospital for seven days and recovered easily. We talked about the moment in the emergency room when I opened my heart. She had felt that conscious love, and it had given her the courage to live. She told me that before this crisis, she’d felt like a total “chicken shit,” and had been afraid to do what she needed in order to follow her passion. She had been afraid that she did not support me in any of the ways I needed; afraid that I would have to find support for my work elsewhere. She wanted to die. Only feeling my openness had convinced her to embrace her fears, and pain and begin her new journey.

As we shared our thoughts over the following days it became clear to me that I was not the same man. I knew what had happened. At the moment I opened myself to Star, the part of me that had been existing in the alternate reality returned. I was back in present time, on Earth, fully in my body. My vibration had changed and the energy of creation was once again, flowing through me. I was finally
at peace.

What had those strong feelings about my death been about? Since Star and I were energetically connected, had I had a premonition about her death but thought it was mine? Or was it about finding the part of me that was no longer in this time? Was I afraid to bring that missing part back into myself? If I did not do so, would I then be lost to my own openness and die?

A week passed and I was on the road again, this time to Washington, D.C.; Ken Starr’s report about President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky was released. Spirit had asked me, and for many years I had been helping, to balance various energies and collective consciousnesses that had been created over time. I?had never before felt the enormity of energy as was being projected from around the world onto our nation’s capital. It felt chaotic, like atoms colliding in a microwave. As challenging as these energies were, I was easily able to stay focused, clear, and balanced as I worked with my clients. My passion for my work had been re-ignited.

During this same time, Star told me on the phone that one of her horses, Sterling, was in trouble. He’d been a grand prix dressage show horse with the reputation of being difficult. The suspensory ligaments in both hind legs had been severely injured. Prognosis for his recovery was not good. He needed at least a year of rest for the damaged ligaments to mend, and his owner decided to give him to Star. Sterling came to the ranch to join two other horses in the open fields where he could wander and eat and heal. The big horse had been kept in a stall for the last twelve years of his life and hadn’t been allowed to play with other horses since he was a foal. Over the course of a few weeks he transformed into a gentle, proud giant, and the ruler of the pasture. He was a beautiful sight.

I knew Star was worried about Sterling. He was in a great deal of pain and could barely walk. His front legs had started to break down as they were not able to support the additional weight he needed to shift himself off his injured hind legs. It was his time. Star called her veterinarian to euthanize Sterling. He would come the next morning. I was frustrated as I could not be there to support them in person.
In the morning, Star found Sterling lying down, the pain in his legs too much for him to bear. She gently urged him to his feet and slowly walked him to where the vet would meet them, feeding him carrots all the way. The other two horses wandered off in the back pasture. A light rain fell as the big bay horse licked sugar from Star’s hands and the vet gave him the injection. Sterling slowly dropped to the ground, and Star cradled his head in her arms, stroking his neck, murmuring to him of her love. At that moment the other two horses came galloping from the back pasture, their hooves drumming the ground. Had they heard their friend’s call? Had they come to witness his journey? Star’s mare; Sterling’s favorite, nuzzled him all over as Sterling’s spirit passed.

In those quiet moments, Star knew this was the final chapter of the story that had begun earlier that summer. As Sterling’s spirit passed before her, she was reconnected to her beloved animals. Star had given Sterling his freedom. Sterling had returned the same to her. My support had given Star the courage to follow her passion and Sterling had shown Star the way back to herself.

As Star shared Sterling’s passing with me, I realized the final lesson of these remarkable weeks. All this talk about the end of the world, Armageddon, was not about our battle in the outer world, Earth, but about the transformation of our inner world. Armageddon is about a struggle within ourselves. How can we become more vulnerable than ever before so we can completely open to receiving God? Who can we trust?

I believe we must begin by trusting and loving ourselves and having compassion for others. We are at a point in time when our spiritual, mental and emotional bodies are collapsing into our physical bodies. Our physical bodies are then reacting to all our unresolved issues. Will we physically go into crisis? Will we feel as if we are going crazy? Is what happened in 1997 to Star and I still happening others in similar destructive energetic situations? I feel sure this is true.